My Life Contd......

So Steve and I had just moved into our new house - were expecting our first baby together and Matthew had just started Kindergarten. Happy life! Christmas was fast approaching and we were excited to spend it in our new home as a new family. Not long before Christmas I miscarried our baby. It was the very first miscarriage I had every experienced and it was the hardest thing I had ever experienced. It was so awful. We were devastated. The one good thing about it all was that Matthew was absolutely THRIVING in his new environment. He loved school - he loved Steve and he couldn't have been happier to have his mommy back in his life full time and neither could I! I did, however, become severely depressed after my miscarriage and I stayed that way for about a year. I still wasn't working so the whole load of bills, rent and putting food on the table fell on Steve's shoulders. Things started to get stressful and intense in our home. We lived that way for a very long time and I was so depressed and down on myself that I didn't even try to get a job......I just took advantage of all Steve was giving.....I don't know what exactly happened to bring me out of that depression...I have no idea. The lines of communication sure weren't open between Steve and I...we never talked about our feelings and he let on like nothing in the world was wrong with our life....Finally in early January 04 I began "babysitting" as a job. I started keeping Nicholas - who at the time was 5 months old! I was finally bringing money into the house and I also got off my ass and got a second job - at a bar and grill as a waitress in the evenings. I wasn't bringing in but maybe $500 a month - but it was more than nothing and I thought it would make things better for Steve and I - our relationship was deteriorating fast. In June of 04 Steve got a new job with the local school district instead of the construction company he had been working for. We were still pretty rocky but I thought we were doing better. In mid August that same year,we found out that Steve's sister Ashley was pregnant with her first child and then Steve started acting weird and becoming more and more distant. Every woman knows - every woman has that 6th sense when something is going wrong with their mate/spouse etc. They know when another woman is in the picture and I KNEW IT was happening. I confronted Steve and he of course denied and it promised me the world - we were at that time engaged to be married and he swore he was going nowhere and very much in love with me and that there was no one else. Sadly - on Labor Day weekend I knew it was over for us - Steve had asked his parents if he could move back home. That next weekend he moved out of our house. That same weekend, I miscarried our second baby. Neither of us had any idea that I was pregnant - none at all. I was devastated beyond belief I had just lost my wonderful fiance that I had taken complete advantage of an then another one of my precious babies all in one weekend. Here's another low point! Right about the time Steve had moved out I had gained another baby to watch - Jazmyn, who was a sweet 6 weeks old and Steve's baby cousin.......

It wasn't a week after Steve moved out that he began openly seeing another woman - Cara - or as I like to call her SHREK the cunt!! LOL OMG how I hated her. I went into a jealous rage and once again began drinking like mad. I was shipping Matthew off every single weekend to grandma's so I could go out and get drunk. Once again I became Shannon the drunk.

Steve was still calling me this whole time we were split up - sneaking over to my house in the middle of the night to "talk" and lead me on with dreams of him coming home......STUPID me!

At the end of September I found out that Cara was PREGNANT - with STEVE'S baby. Now I really became a drunk- my drinking was NOTHING before compared to what it became. I was taking out entire bottles of Capt. Morgan on my own in less than 5-6 hours.....I was drinking all day long sometimes. I did nothing but sit and cry throughout the day. I thought it was the end of my world.

Steve was still calling me - still coming over - but more and more often now...MUCH more often now. It seemed that he and Shrek the cunt weren't getting along very well - he was now living with her! LIVING WITH HER!! stupid man!

On November 1st 04, Steve pulled up in front of my house around 7pm. that in and of itself was VERY strange - because for months on end he had never just showed up at the house at a time where anyone could drive by and seen him, he had been sneaking around to see me. He claimed that he had came to look at my dryer that hadn't been working - so I let him into the laundry room to have a look at the dryer - but he had to hug me first and I had just happened to get out of the bath about 10 minutes before he got there so I was in a night gown and a robe -so when he hugged me he was trying to get romantic with me and I was like OH NO!!! You are gonna be a father now - you LIVE with Cara now - I don't want any part of it. I left the laundry room. I just happened to look out the front window and seen Steve's truck parked out front and he had a trailer hooked to it with ALL OF HIS STUFF ON THAT TRAILER!! I was thinking "what in the hell is he doing?" So I walked into the laundry room and asked him why he had all of his stuff loaded on his trailer....he just looked at me and then said "can we talk?" I knew what was coming....I then said "she kicked you out didn't she?" YES!! YES, she had kicked him out! I couldn't help but be overjoyed - he was no longer with the woman that I thought had ruined my life. So we sat and had a very lengthy conversation about what had happened between him and Cara and why he felt he needed to leave me - we FINALLY opened up the lines of communication and TALKED! We talked the way we should have talked MONTHS ago - and if we had done that - we probably never would have split up. The kicker was that Steve thought I was gonna let him just move right back in and pick up where we left off when he left in September...OH NO!! I was NOT gonna let that happen, I couldn't. He had wounded me beyond belief when he went to her and got her pregnant less than a month after walking out on me. Instead I agreed to "date" him and work on all the things we should have worked on when we lived together and then go from there. That's what we did for the next 6 months. He spent the night often and he really worked on our relationship a LOT in those 6 months.

On April 6th, 2005 Steve's sister Ashley had her baby - a baby boy named Camdyn Joshua. He was born with Spina Bifida. She had to deliver at the Children's Hospital in St Louis MO because of Camdyn's condition and when she went into labor she called me and asked me to be there - Steve and I rode together with his other two sisters. This day - a joyous day on it's own because of Camdyn's birth - also held another special meaning to me because it was the first time Steve and I openly showed we were together again in front of his family - they knew we were back together - but we'd yet to show it openly to them up to this point. It was scary when Camdyn was born because he was sick and had to have surgery immediately after he was born - we sat there for hours waiting to know that he was okay and was gonna grow up to be healthy and happy. HE WAS and IS! He's the best little boy! that kids melts my heart every time I see him - he's amazing.

After Camdyn was born Steve moved back into our home. From that day on - we've been happy and more in love and connected than ever. We've had our ups and down of course - we've struggled sometimes - but our communication is better than ever and we talk now when things are bothering us. I had to come to the realization that even though Steve left this house and found comfort in another woman's arms - and that brought about a baby - it wasn't entirely his fault that he left - I had taken advantage of him on many occasions and he didn't deserve that.

We were both at fault for what went wrong in our relationship and once we both learned to grasp that fact and stop blaming each other - we could move on and things got wonderful between us again!

On June 12th 2005 - Shrek the Cunt Cara - gave birth to Steve's first born child Aiden Michael. I can't tell you what he weighed or how long he was - I can't even show you a picture of him when he was born - because Cara became very rude and awful towards Steve when he and I got back together and she denied him his child. She told him that Aiden was not his son - she didn't call the day he was born - we never got pictures - NOTHING. Steve had to petition the court for a DNA test - which of course proved that Aiden was indeed his - but by this time Cara had packed up her life and child and moved thousands of miles away to Phoenix AZ. Steve didn't get to lay eyes on his son until Aiden was 10 months old and only because it was court ordered. He's a precious boy. I could never deny Steve the rights to see his child or ask him not to pursue the chance the see him - it's not Aiden's fault for what happened between myself, Steve and Cara - not at all - he's just an innocent little boy and he's Steve's son. I love him just like he's my own and I would never try to take the place of his mother. We don't get to see Aiden much - Cara's not a very compassionate person when it comes to Steve and his rights to his child - even though we have court orders - nothing gets done anyway - we could keep fighting - but we can't afford it. We get to see him every few months - even though Cara has moved back to IL and is only 15 minutes away - she can come up with every excuse on the face of the earth to keep him away from his daddy. He sure is a great kid though - from what we know of him...cute as hell - he looks just like his daddy when he was little

With all that has happened between Steve and I and our family - we've sadly gone through many tragedies as well.

On October 24th, 2005 we lost Kayla and her baby girl that she was 7 months pregnant with Allie Nichole to a tragic car accident. Life has not been the same without her and I don't believe it ever will be. Kayla was the most amazing friend I was ever blessed to have and I can honestly say that if God truly felt he needed another Angel up in Heaven He seriously could not have have chosen a more beautiful, loving, wonderful person to take. I just wish everyday that He didn't have to take her when he did - that He could have let her live her life and have her beautiful baby girl and many more children - to live her life with her husband Shawn and their babies happily for many years and then taken her when her body was old and she was ready. I miss her everyday and I think of her constantly. Many days I'm brought to tears with just the thoughts of her and all that she's missed out and will continue to miss out on. We'll never stop missing her - not EVER. She was very loved by all who knew her and her memory will forever live on in those people - for I don't' go many places where her name isn't mentioned or a story told about her. I miss her terribly. This is a picture of Kayla & her Husband Shawn one month before Kayla's Accident - she was 6 months pregnant with Allie

On June 19th 2007 we lost another good friend of ours - Ryan Bethard to another tragic car accident. He passed away on impact - on the one month anniversary of his wedding to his wife Valary who was at the time expecting their first child. Ryan was one of a kind and will be missed greatly - Valary went on to give birth to their son Paxton Jeffery in December of 07 and he's a total Ryan Look-a-like - he's precious! I pray for Valary and Paxton everyday.

On December 2nd 2007 we lost Nick Oller. Nick wasn't taken by a car accident - Nick chose to take his own life by hanging himself in a cold December morning at his father's house. Never in my life will I be able to understand why he felt he needed to chose death over getting help and living to watch his children grow. Nick left behind his wife Emily and his two children Camryn - his first daughter and Dylan - who was born November 7th - not quite a month before Nick took his life.....I'll miss him always and someday I hope his children and wife can find the peace that they need to accept they whys of why he felt that was the only way out. It's hard to do things sometimes when any other time you would see Nick there - or expect Nick's help - because now that he's gone -we have to do it alone - we have to go on without him and we'll always wonder why and what went through his head that morning....why......he'll be forever missed.....

On January 30th 2008 we lost Dave Sheedy - Steve's uncle and Kayla's dad to pancreatic cancer. He was only diagnosed with the cancer two weeks before we lost him. The cancer took him FAST and it was extremely painful to watch him suffer the way he did. I hated to see him grow so thin so fast - and to watch him cling to his loving wife Gloria and his only living child Brian - telling them all the things he needed to say before he was gone - clinging to each last moment with them never knowing if he would wake up that next morning - having to lay there so thin and lethargic just waiting for death to come and take him to be with Kayla and Allie when he wasn't ready to leave what he had here yet. The morning he died, Dave felt pretty good - he was almost completely painless and had gotten up to sit in a chair in the dining room to visit with the family that was there - right before God came to take him -he looked up towards the ceiling as if looking at someone and then he got the most brilliant smile on his face and light in his eyes and he then said "HI" to someone that no one else could see - We all knew that it was Kayla he was talking to - Kayla that God had let come to take Dave Home. That helped to ease the pain of him being gone - knowing he was up in Heaven bouncing little Allie on his knee and laughing and telling stories with Kayla - the daughter he had been missing so much the last 3 years - he was with them and we knew that they were all okay now - happy to be with each other and never in pain again.......I pray for Strength for Gloria everyday - I pray that she will someday be able to not grieve so heavily for her daughter, granddaughter and husband who were taken from her too soon. I miss him very much - as well all do.

I'm sure I could sit here and list many more that we've lost in the last 6 years - these are the ones that stick out most in my mind right now - the ones are the most fresh I guess.....We've lost many and we miss then all and pray that they all RIP.

Over the course of the last 4 years, Steve and I have grown closer than ever. Matthew is still thriving and now almost 11 years old! I have unfortunately miscarried two more times - once in May of 2007 and again just this past December we had an ectopic pregnancy. As of now Steve and I are again engaged to be married and actually only 101 days away from our wedding day! We will become man and wife on Saturday, October 18th, 2008. For this day I truly cannot wait! I could never imagine being married to anyone else other than Steve Sheedy. I love him so deeply I can't imagine my life without him and he's made a WONDERFUL father for Matthew over the last 6 years. Even though Matthew's own father came back into the picture when he was 5 years old (after a DNA test he asked for proved him the "real"daddy) he has never really been there for him nor does he really spend much time with him but for 2-3 times a year and Matthew has said himself that if it weren't for Steve he don't know what he would do - AWWW.

I love my boys Matthew and Steve - they are my world!

We can't wait to be married and start the process of trying to get pregnant and give Matthew and Aiden a baby sister or brother. I've had quite the difficulty with infertility that will have to be spoken about in another post as my fingers fell as if they could fall off any minute from all the typing I've done tonight on these two VERY LONG posts! But hey at least I got all that off my chest! LOL all we have now is the wedding and our happy loving healthy lives ahead of us - hopefully a few more babies - that come from US and not our sisters only! LOL We have been blessed with 2 beautiful nephews and 4 beautiful nieces from our sisters so far in the last 6 yrs! I will have to post pics of all of them soon....But for now - that's all I have to say - oh I'm sure I could talk more but I can't get my fingers to type much more - they are burning they hurt so badly!

thank you for taking the time to read all of this!