All Fear Is Gone!

Is it normal to be absolutely TERRIFIED this close to your wedding? We're 39 days away and I'm becoming more and more terrified at the thought of marriage every single day! I mean it's not to the point of where I would call off the wedding or anything - but I keep thinking "what if it doesn't work out?" "What if this really isn't meant to be?" "What if I can never give him babies and he leaves me?" "What if we realize a year down the road that we're just not happy together?" SO many things have been running through my mind as we get closer and closer. I look at Steve everyday and think to myself -"that's my husband to be - the man I will be spending the rest of my life with - the father of my future children" and when I do that my tummy does a little flip and I get those butterflies! I know he's the one for me - I know it in my heart and soul - I just get worried! But last night - something was said that made all my worries go away - made those terrified feelings just disappear....and it's not like I've never ever heard it spoken before - I've heard it on a daily basis - I guess just not so sweet and not so intense as the way it was put last night. Let me go back and start from the beginning.....

I have been running NON STOP for weeks now - I'm freaking exhausted. I just need a week of nothing but sleep! Anyway - last night, I took a nice hot shower and laid down on the couch in my nightgown, with a towel on my head to watch TV and wait for Steve to get home from work. I must have laid there for all of 10 minutes maybe and I was out like a light - sound asleep. I didn't even hear Steve come home and I was laying less than 25 feet from our front door! He came home, took his shower, ate his dinner and then apparently got my sleepy ass to bed - took the towel off my head and put me in bed (yeah, my hair was REAL pretty this morning! LOL) I was vaguely aware of him getting me in bed - I snuggled in under the blankets and drifted back to oblivion. Not long after Steve had gotten in bed with me after shutting everything off and closing the doors - I heard him talking to me - I kept my eyes closed and pretended to be asleep (HAHA) just to hear what he had to say. At first all he said was "I love you Babes - I love you a lot" and then he said "can you hear me? They say that people who are sleeping can hear a person talk to them even if they don't know it. I hope you can hear me cause I really do love you a lot. I really do miss you when you're not with me and I think about you all the time. When I'm at work, I think about you, when I'm driving, I think about you - when you go away for a weekend to stay with a friend like you went and stayed with Jami - I missed you so much - things are weird when you aren't here and it makes me miss you even more. I really do love you so much." Then he was quiet for a little bit.....then he said "I can't wait to be your husband - I can't wait to call you my wife. I know that sometimes we argue and that sometimes I don't show you how much I love you as much as I could and that I don't do the things you always want me to and that I aggravate you sometimes - but I love you and I would never ever hurt you and I will always take care of you and be here with you - I would do anything in the world for you or die trying. I'm gonna make you happy - I"m gonna be the best husband you could ever ask for. I know I've hurt you in the past and I don't ever ever want to do that to you again - EVER. I love you so much - I hope you know that. and then he leaned over and kissed me on the forehead and said "good night" and that was that! At that very moment - I knew that all my fears and worries could be laid to rest. That of course, isn't the first time he's ever told me that he loves me - or even the first time that he's said he would always take care of me - it was the intensity that he was speaking with that really made me feel the way I felt. Knowing that he wanted me to know exactly how he felt and that he really wants our life together as husband and wife to be as wonderful as we can possibly make it- oh it melted my heart! All I could do was just snuggle as close to him as I could - I wasn't about to open my eyes and speak - I felt it would have ruined the whole moment.

This morning when we woke up - he asked me if I heard him talking to me - I just said "what did you say?" and he repeated it all nearly word for word! That made me feel even better to know that he wanted to make sure 100% that I really had heard all he had to say to me! I've always known from the day we got together that he was the ONE for me - and last night and this morning just put a bit of extra icing on the cake! I say extra cause it was already there to begin with.

Sure we argue, sure we act like we don't even like each other sometimes - that is just our banter - we have fun when we're doing it - even if we really are mad at each other. I guess we're just weird like that. :) I hope that people can see how much we love each other - I hope they can see how much we want to spend our lives together and know how happy we are! I think that sometimes no one but us can see it.....but I guess as long as WE know - that is all that matters!

I'm just so relieved to be able to say that all fear of getting married to the man of my dreams is officially GONE - oh I know I'm gonna be nervous the day we get married - I believe that everyone is on their wedding day. But at least we both know that this is 100% - no more than that - what we want. That we plan to work as hard as we have to for our marriage to last and have a happy family for the rest of our lives together. Now all I can do is pray and pray that our lives together is blessed with children, grandchildren, happiness, health and much longevity.
The same thing that I pray for when I pray for my friends and family.

SO 39 days and counting until I am finally his wife and he is my husband - until our little half circles finally becomes ONE. YAY!

Until Next time!