Pregnancy announcements on Holidays - I hate them.

my turkey Day SUCKED.
Matthew spends this holiday with his dad - I missed him very much. But the worst part was that we found out that SIL is pregnant again. this is #3 in the last 4 years. My heart - oh how it sank - and I firmly believe I literally felt it hit the bottom of my gut. yes she's my SIL, yes I SHOULD be happy for her - but there's so much that I could say that would seem to warrant why I'm not. So many reasons why it shouldn't be happening (but those reasons are all in my head I'm sure and only because I'm just so damn jelous and crushed because of my own failures right now). UGH!

So now this makes my sister, Steve's sister, one of my BFF, my BFF's sister, one other teenager, a good friend of ours, a friend from high school, and one of the Divas (who just announced she's preggo again on Tues) who have all just very recently become pregnant (except one who is due any minute now) and it feels like they are just staring me in the face. I want to be happy for them but I find myself so overwhelmingly jelous and sad about their pregnancies it makes me feel like an awful person. I want to be happy for them because I would want them to be happy for me if I were in their shoes. I guess it's not that I'm unhappy for them - it's just that I can't see past my own failures just yet to show happiness and excitement for them I guess, that makes more sense. Am I jelous? Oh hell yes. But I don't feel like I have a right to be - because I wouldn't want that being felt about me - I get so sad and angry with every new pregnancy announcement and then I think "what if we are successful this round? How am I gonna feel then? I will feel like an ass for being so rude and almost hateful to my family and friends about their pregnancies because I finally have my own." UGH! It's so frustrating and un-nerving.
And I'm a little upset at myself for letting SIL's announcement ruin my whole Holiday. I'm only on CD what? 9 I think? LOL I still have my shot this time. I guess I just need to quit being a selfish lil brat and get over it!

Hope you all had a great day! Sorry I had to be a buzz kill!