The New Year Catch Up....and Update!!

It's been quite a while since I've bothered to post - believe me I've wanted to, I just haven't been able to put together what I want to say in a way that would make sense, or make me NOT look like a total bitch.....I'm still having issues coming up with what to say to be honest. I've had a hell of a ride the last few weeks, hell the last few months. Let's back peddle a bit to my crazy emotional ride in October. Getting married was insane! A good insane though. Sadly I don't remember many details of the day at all - it was such a rush and I was so out of it that whole day because I was a nervous wreck. But I do know it was an amazing day, I made the best decision of my life the day I married Steve. Things between us have never been better - he was a great boyfriend and fiance - but he's an amazing husband. I think for him, taking on the roll of Husband rather than boyfriend made a pretty big impact on him. He's changed in so many small ways (that are big to me) since we said I DO. He's an amazing man. Then we learned of my sisters 3rd pregnancy. I wish I could say I was/am happy for her, but I cannot do that yet, maybe not till that baby is born...I don't know. My reason for not being able to be happy for her is because even SHE wasn't happy about it. She sat in my living room and told me, her very own sister that's battling infertility, that if she had the money she would "take care of it" because she can't afford the two kids she has, she doesn't need another one. those were her words, not mine. Had she had the money to abort that baby - she would have. Even if she can't afford another child, I'm thankful that she didn't have the means to abort her unborn child, because I never would have been able to forgive her for doing it. I still get angry when I think of that conversation with her and I vividly remember telling her that after this baby is born she better do something along the lines of some serious birth control before it happens again. She's hoping to have her tubes tied, but she's only 25, some doctors won't do it for women that young. I pray to God that they will do it for my sister. Fast forward about 3-4 weeks - Thanksgiving day to be exact, we find out that my sister in law is also pregnant with her 3rd child, all because she kept "forgetting" to take her birth control pills. At least she never said she wished she could have an abortion. She's very happy and excited about this pregnancy and I'm happy for her now, but the day I learned she was pregnant I had a major break down. I was so upset, pissed off, hurt, I think I went through about every emotion out there. Then I have to admit to myself that she is obviously deserving of this new baby because otherwise God never would have given her this precious gift, right? I still tell her she's a fertile bitch (and yes to her face and in a joking manor) she knows how much it kills me to watch all these pregnant people around me. Fast forward another 2-3 weeks and I find out that my very good friend is also pregnant again. This will be her 3rd child as well. I was really having very mixed emotions about this one because this person had gone through the struggle of getting pregnant the first time, though not for very long and she was lucky enough to have twins with her first pregnancy, but I was still totally jealous of her for only trying for about a month and getting pregnant right away. I'm still extremely happy for her. Then we are at the Christmas season. I have come to hate the month of December with a passion. In 2003 I had my very first miscarriage in December. Then in 2007 I had another miscarriage in December. When the date of the "anniversary" of my miscarriage rolled around I was a mess. I couldn't help but think that had I been able to carry that baby to term, he or she would have been a couple months old at that point and we'd be celebrating their first Christmas. I had to watch my sister in law celebrate the first Christmas of her first daughter instead. It was horrible. Christmas was hard. I kept my happy face on and did the best I could. We made it through the Holidays and had a nice start to the New Year with most of our closest friends. Just 3 days ago another very good friend of mine gave birth to her very first child, a daughter. She's an absolute DOLL baby! She's so pretty! I'm so very happy for her and her husband, but it hurts just the same. This friend also battled getting pregnant, she miscarried twice, once around the same time that I did. I love her to pieces, but yes, I'm jealous that she has her precious daughter in her arms as we speak and I'm still fighting to have mine.

It's a new year. Time for new things, fresh starts, new beginnings. I'm not really one to make New Year resolutions, but this year I did decide that I wanted to get healthier. My first thing to do is quit smoking. I've done pretty good in the last few days. Normally I would smoke a little over a half a pack every day - sometimes not quite a half a pack. Regardless, I was buying around 6 packs of cigarettes a week. That's well over $25 a week on cigarettes. So I bought two packs last weekend, on Saturday I believe. I still have 8 cigarettes left of those two packs! So over the last 6 days I have only had 32 cigarettes. Well when I say it like that it sounds worse! haha. I've only had a pack and a half in 6 days. At this point usually it would have been at least 3-4 packs by now. I'm pretty proud of myself. I have also done all I can to cut out those evil fountain drinks from our local grocery store. I have only had ONE medium one this week total - normally it would be about 10 large ones by Friday. I was drinking 2 large fountain drinks a day! I also gave up running to Taylorville to get a large sweet tea from Mickey D's. Now I am brewing my own tea and not adding so much sugar. It's better than nothing. I'm doing what I can. I will start exercising very soon - I just have to get some things straight first.


As for where we are as far as trying to get pregnant....oh man.
Just to refresh, I hadn't had a period since September 08. After the wedding I contacted my doctor and we did a pregnancy test by blood work. It was of course negative, which I had expected. I was given Provera for 14 days to bring on a period. So from November 5th to November 18th I took the Provera, started to spot on the 18th and then had a full blown period by the 19th. I had also been given a fertility drug called Clomid to start on cycle day 3 and take through cycle day 7. So on November 21st I started the Clomid 50mgs for 5 days. I had a blood draw done on December 10th to detect the progesterone levels - this test is done to see if I have ovulated or not. The problem is they do it on days 21 or 22 because "NORMAL" women "usually" ovulate on cycle day 14. This is SO NOT the case for MOST women - MOST women hardly every ovulate on cycle day 14. I know for a fact that I do NOT. Also with my having PCOS - it's pretty much a guarantee that IF I DO ovulate, it's not gonna be on the typical cycle day 14 for TYPICAL cycles. My cycles are anything BUT typical. So I get the blood draw. it comes back as a .025 level - "Sorry, Shannon you did not ovulate this cycle." I was like Oh ok....then I was given Provera again to bring on a period so we could start a new fresh cycle with a higher dosage of Clomid. I took the Provera from December 12th to Christmas Day. I was awaiting a period now. Last time I took it, as you read just a bit ago, I started my period the very next day. On New Years Day this time I finally started to spot. I'm going to apologize in advance for the graphics of the next few sentences - because not many people want to read about the consistency of another woman's menstrual cycle and blood flow - but to understand where I stand now - you have to understand the in's and out's of the period I guess. I also want you to keep in mind that MOST doctors will tell you when you first start to TTC that cycle day one of a cycle is ONLY considered CD 1 when you have a full blood flow of RED blood. Spotting does not count as day one, nothing other than RED blood constitutes a period.

So here we are on New Years day, I'm already feeling awful from the night before, and I start to spot. This spotting was extremely light, old blood (old because it was nothing but a light brown.) It was more like a disgusting discharge than a spotting to be honest - but I was awaiting my period, so I knew what was coming. I loaded my purse with tampons and pads and panty liners - my periods after a round of Provera tend to be rather heavy and gross. I get prepared, put on a panty liner and go about my day waiting for the full blown thing to arrive.
Well, Today, I'm still waiting.
I spotted so lightly that I never had to change my panty liner at all that first day - it was more "there" when I wiped after using the bathroom than on the actual liner itself. I changed before bed and made sure to wear a very old pair of PJ pants because I figured that good ol auntie flo would arrive during the night. woke up the next morning - head to the bathroom - only to find a completely white panty liner. Nothing on it at all. I'm thinking that is really strange. I still get some old brown icky stuff on the toilet paper when wiping - so I'm still awaiting my period. By the middle of the day on the 2nd I was done spotting completely. Nothing, nada, not even a drop when wiping. The issue now is that I keep feeling "wetness" in that area. You women know how it is when you start a cycle and you just KNOW you have started. Well that's the wetness I kept feeling - so I was in and out of the bathroom constantly for 2 straight days. I then think "what the hell is going on? Why am I not starting my period?" Then the wheels start to turn.
My thoughts are

1. Is it possible that I DID ovulate - just not before or in time for that blood test to register the level?

2. Was that spotting possibly implantation spotting?

3. Holy shit, is it possible that I could be pregnant?

So I called the doctors office letting my nurse know that I had only spotted and it was only old brown blood and never once red or even a light period. I told her that I think it's possible I may have ovulated too late for the blood draw to register a level. She agreed with me that it was totally possible, said that she thinks the doctor will probably want me to wait it out and see if I do get a period over the next few days, but she'll talk to him and get back to me.
SO my head is reeling at this point with all of the possibilities and what if's.

the docs office calls me back the following day to tell me (and this was a different nurse) that the doctor says my spotting is considered a period and to start the clomid that very day as it would be day 3 of my cycle. I argued that I wasn't comfortable considering spotting old brown blood a period and she says, "well maybe you just didn't have anything to shed this month." I would like to know how the hell that is even possible. for one thing - a women's uterine lining gets thick every single month in the preparation of a pregnancy - even if they do not ovulate - thats just how a women is wired. Every month, that lining is shed, even without ovulation, and so you get a period. With Provera on top of that - a woman is gonna have a doozy of a period. I was not comfy with spotting being considered a period. I was upset that she would not consider the fact that I had ovulated after the test was done - or not in time for it to register on the test results. Something was telling me to NOT listen to her - to NOT take the Clomid and go on thinking this was a new cycle. She scheduled me for CD 22 blood work again anyway and told me to "hope for a higher number" I told her I wasn't sure what I was going to do yet and we hung up. I really wanted the opinions of my girls and my husband first.

I immediately got online and posted to the girls my thoughts. they all agreed with me. DO NOT TAKE THE CLOMID. So I waited for Steve to get home, I explained the whole situation to him, and he agreed as well to NOT take the fertility drug.

First of all - taking Clomid while pregnant is extremely dangerous to an unborn child. I can't help but wonder if I did ovulate later than they anticipated and that MAYBE JUST MAYBE I got lucky enough to get pregnant this last cycle. I was not about to chance hurting the success of a possible pregnancy. Steve agreed. We both said "well if we ARE pregnant, WOo HOOO. If we're not, well that sucks, but at least we were being safe and won't have to be sorry that we took the drugs that could harm our unborn child. Besides we've been at this for so long - what's another month?"

I can't say yet whether or not we are pregnant because we do not know - it's too early to tell. Usually a pregnancy test would not be positive for a good week or even two weeks after implantation. There is just not enough hormone to register.
When I was pregnant last time, I just KNEW it. Don't ask me how cause I don't know, but I knew somehow. I tested with a home test (HPT) and it was negative. So I thought oh, well I was wrong. I still couldn't shake that feeling - I tested again a few weeks later - it was negative again. Then Nick died, I was an emotional disaster, but I still had that nagging feeling in the back of my mind - I tested again with a HPT the day after Nick's funeral and that test was positive. I had been pregnant the whole time and I knew it, I just had to wait for the hormone level to get high enough to register on a home test.

I don't know why, but I feel that exact way again. I want to believe I'm pregnant this time - and even though I KNOW that it's very very possible that I am not - I can't help but wait it out to be sure. I don't feel like I had a period - I have many symptoms of pregnancy - but I am also keeping in mind that pregnancy and PMS symptoms are one in the same most of the time. The only thing that I have noticed lately that NEVER happens to me unless I'm pregnant are the dizzy spells. that is how I first realized I was pregnant with Matthew, how I realized I was pregnant with my first, second and third miscarriages- I kept getting dizzy. In the last week and a half - I have gotten dizzy 3 times. Steve even had to catch me this last Monday when I was getting ready to cook dinner - I got so dizzy I almost fell. to me that's a sure sign. Now it very well could be my blood sugar or something else - but I refuse to give up hope of being pregnant until I know for sure.

so Please pray for us that we ARE pregnant and I promise to keep everyone updated. Although I do have to tell everyone now that IF we are pregnant - until we get confirmation that all is well and we have a heartbeat and an ultrasound showing a healthy baby - we will be keeping it to ourselves. so just hang in there and bare with us!


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

sorry for the novel - I'll be keeping at it with the blog again so they won't be this long all the time!

also - I have a new blog design in the works, so keep your eye out for the new page design that will be coming soon!

Until next time