The Difference

My, what a difference 2 weeks can make. Not a lot has changed really, physically anyway...but for me, mentally and emotionally I am in a MUCH better place. I decided to try the Inisotol powder the doc recommended for my PCOS which is also supposed to help with moods - and it definately has! THANK YOU JESUS! I had gotten into such a low, disgusting slump of anger/bitterness/sadness (you name it, I felt it) that I was really starting to self destruct. It was awful. I really feel for my poor Husband and son having to deal with my psychotic mood swings on a daily basis. SO much has been going on over the last couple months. My Grandma being so sick with cancer - watching her suffer and grow weaker has been hell on me. Especially lately. She's going through the depression part of her illness and it's heart breaking to watch her cry so often. A woman that NEVER cries, that is SO strong and hard headed otherwise - is now a weak and sad woman. It's gut wrenching to watch. My dad having surgery - even though it wasn't major - it was surgery and it made my Gram cry and I was a wreck over it. My mom having surgery on her spine. UGH! I was a nervous wreck over that - but she's doing GREAT so far....getting ready to move out of our house - going through everything in this house has been emotional for me - finding Matthew's baby books, pictures, reminders of miscarriages (like ultrasound pics/blood work results/hospital bracelets) Old poems from an old Boyfriend, a note left to my son from the same old boyfriend....it's just been crazy emotional! So much in my life is changing and it's overwhelming! Sometimes I would sit back and think "where in the hell did I go? Where is the strong willed, hard headed Shannon that I once was? Who the hell is this sappy ass, bitter woman?" It was not a fun Month.
I'm thankful I had some self control during those weeks of craziness when reading on Facebook as well! I have shaved down my friends list on Facebook to keep from snapping at those little teenagers that are pregnant and whining that "going to parties is SO boring now...who wants to sit here and watch everyone else get drunk?" and then post over and over again about their baby and how fat they are getting and taking their precious ultrasound pictures and doodling all over them like a toddler and then posting them! UGH! It took all I had to not comment rather rudely to them all! lol So yes, self control I'm very thankful for when it came to that.
I have many friends and a few in the family that are expecting babies or just had babies and their posts don't bother me in the least. At least they are mature about it - they want to share their babies healthy progress with the world (who wouldn't!?) and they want to share their excitement over their pregnancies or new babies with their friends and family - again, who wouldn't!? That I understand and seriously have no issue with at all. At least they aren't whining about not being able to drink while pregnant or posting silly pictures of what would otherwise be a cute ultrasound.

While my journey to get pregnant has been long and emotionally draining and devastating more than I care to think about, I can't hold that bitterness in my heart all the time like I was. It's not healthy! It was making me into someone I really didn't want to become! I'm just thankful that my doctor took the time to find something other than depression pills that will not only help my moods but help with my fertility condition as well. God Love my Doctor!

Over the weekend, I was surprised with a question I never thought in a million years I would be asked. Let me back pedal but saying that when my cousin became pregnant, I was LIVID. I was livid because this is a person who has never worked a day in her life at 21 years old...isn't ready for a baby in any aspect...still lives with gramma and aunt...but anyway - I was livid! I worked through my anger and learned to just deal with it - I can't change it, may as well just learn to live with it.
This weekend she came to my house and asked Steve and I to be the Godparents to her daughter after she is born. Talk about some crazy emotions for me! I was honored to be asked, and of course I said yes. Of course I felt guilty for being so mad about her pregnancy - but man! It just makes me have that "why HER and not US" question even more than I ever did before. However, I'm honored to be the Godmother of little Sophia when she arrives.

I'm still dealing with my sister Madelyn's baby. He's almost 4 months old and I've still not seen him. The closest I came was on Easter Sunday when I walked into the house to talk to my sister Cassie - but she was in the living room holding the baby and I couldn't get myself to step through the doorway to the room. I had to turn around and go back outside! I felt awful in a way...but I'm just not ready for that. Madelyn's pregnancy was a real turmoil for me. Our relationship as sisters took a big hit when she was pregnant and drinking alcohol openly and not caring about how it would affect her child. I'm still not over that. I've almost forgiven - but I'll never forget.

There are a few others that I still deal with on a daily basis - sad that they get to be blessed and we still haven't. But I'll get over it! My sister Cassie is also expecting a baby in November. I don't think I addressed her pregnancy in my last post did I? If I did, I don't remember. That poor girl. I felt awful that she was so terrified to tell me she was pregnant! But she was an adult, she came to me and told me face to face, with fear and tears in her eyes. Of course I would never ever be mad at her. I was shocked! She was the last sister I ever expected to hear that out of at this point...but shit happens and she and her boyfriend are over the moon happy about it - so I am as well. Yes, I won't lie and say that it didn't make me sad that yet another sister was having a baby and Steve and I still haven't gotten our miracle - but I know that when we WERE pregnant each and everytime, before we lost those pregnancies - my sister was beyond happy for us, more than supportive for us. I would never be anything less for her. She's a grown woman, stable in all areas (well except for her crazy ass emotions...but she's pregnant..it's to be expected! poor Wes! haha) She is a mature, grown woman. A terrific auntie to all her neices and nephews - she's going to be a fabulous Mommy to their baby. She's not even close to being in that same category of the girls that piss me off when they get pregnant. Not even close. Maybe if she was a jobless, immature dumbass, that was drinking and smoking like my other sister..then yes, I would be mad - but she's not. She deserves this happiness and joy in her life just as much as I do. I'm happy for her. I'm excited for her. I can't wait to see her belly swell with her baby - listen to her complain about getting fat and watch her go through the summer heat pregnant just like she used to make fun of me for! OHHH Paybacks a bitch little sister!! :p She's gonna do great. She really is.

Steve and I are not actively trying to get pregnant right now -but we're not preventing either. We've never prevented! LOL This new powder I'm on is supposed to help egg quality and growth, as well as ovulation, weight loss and moods. So far it's worked for moods, I can only hope it will do as well with the egg quality, growth and in making me ovulate. That would be amazing. Once we get moved into our new house (hopefully by the end of the month) we will start trying actively again. I'm ready. We really hope to be pregnant by the end of the year. If not, well then we'll just keep tyring. That's all there is to do!

Summer is just around the corner and that makes me happy! The recent SUNSHINE makes me happy! My Husband has been an amazing support to me in the last few weeks - just as he always is. As silly and dorky as he can be most of the time, he really, truly is an amazing Husband and I'm truly blessed to be his wife.


I hope everyone had a blessed Easter and that you all have a wonderful Mother's Day. This day of the year makes me extra special thankful that I have my son. Mother's Day would be torture for me otherwise I think. But it's not because I have an amazing boy to share it with!

Until Next time!