It all just SUCKS right now....

Matthew ended up having a pretty great birthday - he got his RockBand game that he really wanted for his Xbox 360, plenty of other new games for the xbox - lots of new shirts for school, his new bike that he loves and over $100 in money to buy whatever he wants. He had a swimming party with his friends and then they came to spend the night here and they got to play the xbox, jump on the trampoline, ride bikes, shoot pool, eat pizza and way too much bday cake and they stayed up till after 5am (which I'm sure all the cake and Mt Dew helped with) He had a blast. I'm glad he did because he was whining about how much getting older sucks because you don't get as many presents! LOL He has been on his new bike non stop since he got it and I'm VERY happy to see that he would rather ride that than be in the house in front of the TV playing his Xbox games. he has had well over 5 freinds at the house every single day jumping on the trampoline and out racing on their bikes - he's getting a lot of exercise - he told me that when "things slow down with his friends" that he will start walking and riding bikes with me! HAHAHA! I thought that was so funny the way he said it.
School started today for everyone but Pre K and my house has been rather quiet! Everyone seemed quite excited to get back to school - Matthew was up at 6:30 this morning - showered, dressed and teeth brushed - he was ready to go!

Other than that - we've just been busy with the wedding plans as always - I'm so utterly stressed out about it all - I just want it all to be over with. I'm so sick of stressing out over what needs done and how it's going to be paid for. We only have 2 months left now and it's really getting down to the wire. Everyone just keeps telling me "Oh it's ONLY August" ONLY AUGUST??? Are you freaking kidding me? I'm glad THEY think I have all the time in the world. Apparently they don't realize that when you order things they take anywhere from 1-3 weeks to get in and then you have to assemble them usually - paychecks can only stretch so far and we still have other bills and groceries to pay for. My paychecks have been nearly cut in half now that school has started and that is NOT good.....
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just letting it all get to me too much or if all the shit I'm really stressing about is legit - in my head it seems to be - but everyone else just laughs at me and makes me feel like a freak of nature cause I'm so stressed out about it all.....so then I stop and think "am I over-stressing?" "am I freaking out for nothing??" "can I really get this all done in 2 months?" "can I really get it all paid for in TWO months?" "Is everyone right? It will all fall into place and be perfect the day of?" I guess only time will tell. But for right now what I really want - is to be done - to see myself making WAY more progress than I am at this point. To see my Bridesmaids step the fuck up and start really helping me. Besides the ones that ARE doing something and they know who they are. ;) Then once I get tired of thinking of all that still needs done and try to take a break from that I start thinking about the honeymoon - Is Matthew going to be well taken care of? Is his homework going to get done every single night while we're gone? Are they going to MAKE him shower every single night/morning? (he's at the stage all kids go through where taking a shower is like pulling teeth - ugh) Is he going to act out while we're gone because we are leaving him for a week? Is he just flat out going to be ok? I know my parents and grandparents will take GREAT care of him - but I know how he can be and I just worry. Then I have to think of the bills that are gonna have to be paid while we're gone - can I trust that they will be mailed on time? is my bank account gonna even have enough in it to pay them!? Will my dog get fed and watered every day while we're gone - is my house gonna be ok while we're gone? What if it burns to the ground? LOL I am seriously losing my mind thinking about all of this shit.

Not to mentiont the fact that Steve and I have been at each other's throats for about 2.5 weeks now - not fun. I'm tired of doing it all by myself and I'm tired of PAYING for it all by myself - we've always kept our own money - our own bank accounts (and we will ALWAYS keep our own bank accts even after marriage) We've been re-engaged for a year now and out of all the things that have been bought and paid for - Steve hasn't put a single DIME towards any of it. When I realized that this wedding is costing us well over $15,000 and Steve hasn't helped with ANYTHING I got really pissed off. So I told him that from now on all his extra money goes straight to me -his mowing money - his drywall money - basically everything besides his normal paycheck goes to me - so I can use it for wedding stuff. He didn't like that too well. Then I found out from his mom that for whatever reason Steve has been spending WAY more than he's making lately and his acct is VERY overdrawn. WTF!? So I asked him where all his money is going and I get the best response ever -I DON"T KNOW. Can someone please tell me how you can spend so much money and NOT know where the hell it's all going? You have a check book registry for a reason!!! USE IT. It seriously pisses me off to no end that he's doing what he's doing and can't even find a better excuse for it. UGH! So we've been fighting non-stop over money and all that comes with it. He used to be so good with money - never spent it stupidly - always had extra for a rainy day - now, he's always broke, never has money for anything - works his ass off. He really does work hard - I have to give him that much - he busts his ass 6 days a week from 6:30am to 10pm every night. I know he's making decent money with his outside jobs - he doesn't make shit with the school district after taxes and freaking child support are taken out, but his mowing and drywall bring in pretty good money - where the hell is it all??? It makes me suspicious - it makes me nervous. I can say that I've been FLAT BROKE for the last 2months after every paycheck - BUT I know exactly where it's all gone - if it hasn't went to monthly bills or groceries it's gone to things for the wedding. I know exactly where my $$ is going - and I'm not spending more than I make. My checking acct may only have $1 in it sometimes but it's not severely overdrawn and racking up charges.

I guess sitting on here and typing about our financial issues and how much it drives me nuts is gonna help or fix anything - I know for a fact it won't - especially when actually talking to him about it isn't helping anything.

On top of all of that - I still have the feelings that I had last week about not being a great mom for Matthew. We failed in getting pregnant this cycle - big surprise and honestly right now - probably for the better - I find myself questioning a lot of things about my life at the moment....it all just sucks right now, and I have no idea how to make it better or fix it - how to make it all go away.....what do I do? What CAN I do?? Take on a second job - but then what good will that really do me when I will only have to pay a sitter to keep Matthew while Steve and I are both working in the evenings - there goes the pay I would make from a second job right there - it's all just getting to be too much for me. I wish I could take a day for myself to get "pampered" but that is OUT OF THE QUESTION. I couldn't even fathom spending money on myself right now for things that I really don't need when there are bills to be paid - wedding thins to be bought.....ugh!

That's all I have for now - kids need tended to and this is getting me nowhere anyhow...

Until next time